lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song

church online

2010-01-27T17:22:00.002-06:00

Tonight is the launch of Grace Community's church online experience through Lifechurch.tv! I am so excited. So excited in fact that all day yesterday I was singing an adaptation of little orphan Annie's song, "Tomorrow, Tomorrow, our online church launch is tomorrow!"

I am amazed at the many ways that it is possible for us to take hope, peace, truth...salvation to people around the world. Everyday individuals meet up at church online and get to see glimpses of who our God is. God told us in Mark 16:15, "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone." It excites me that this avenue is reaching the people who maybe wouldn't set foot into a church or maybe those people who just accidentally stumble onto the website. Church Online is connecting people and bringing community in such unique way. Last week we had a run through of an online experience and even during the run through, which wasn't publicized, there were 44 people from 7 different countries. One of those 44 people became a Christ follower!!! I hope that we keep creating and exploring new ways to bring "the Good News" to the world that God created.

If you can, join us tonight (or any Wednesday night) at 10:00pm for Church Online!

conformity vs. transformation

2010-01-13T13:13:00.001-06:00

This past Sunday, we started the series Margin. Let me just tell you that this series is already kicking my butt…IT IS ONLY WEEK ONE!

Craig used Romans 12:2 as one of the passages on Sunday, and this verse has stuck out and been on my mind all week. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.” Do not conform…be transformed. Am I conforming? Am I allowing transformation to take place? Or, am I hindering it?

The past couple of weeks I have been studying a few of the kings mentioned in the Old Testament. There are two that stand out to me and their stories have helped me process the idea of creating Margin in my life. King Ahaz and King Hezekiah were kings of the Nation of Israel. King Ahaz was not a good king. King Ahaz’s story: knew God…forgot about God…started building idols to other gods…defiled the temple…was influenced by pagan people…left the nation of Israel in pretty bad shape. God’s response to this in Isaiah 7 was, “ If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.” God offered King Ahaz the opportunity to ask God for help and King Ahaz didn’t take it. He was captive to his sin. Flash forward…King Ahaz dies and his son Hezekiah becomes king. The Bible says that King Hezekiah did what was right in the eyes of the Lord. He recognized that his people (and his father) had been unfaithful to the Lord. King Hezekiah worked to make a covenant with God. They worked to purify themselves and to make things right. He allowed God to transform his kingdom and his life.

If you keep reading about Hezekiah you see that he slips up. The bible refers to the nation of Israel as His chosen people. All through the Bible we see that they were chosen to experience the blessing and the fullest life that God had laid out for them. Interesting enough though, when you read the Old Testament you see over and over about how God’s people resisted God’s blessing and seemed to forget about this beautiful covenant relationship with God. God proved Himself faithful over and over. He never left Israel…they seemed to forget about Him. The Old Testament is a roller coaster of conformity and transformation, much like our lives. God has offered us this rich blessing but we get caught up…we get distracted…we get disconnected. One king conformed and the other allowed himself to be transformed. If I examine my life, the margin in my life, am I more like King Ahaz or King Hezekiah?

Romans 12: 1-2, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will. “

conformity vs. transformation

2010-01-13T13:13:00.000-06:00

toasting a new year

2010-01-07T12:12:00.002-06:00

this is probably the best new year's toast ever. it makes me want to live 2010 with greater expectations.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art – write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. May your coming year be a wonderful thing in which you dream both dangerously and outrageously. I hope you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and you will be liked and you will have people to love and to like in return. And most importantly, because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now – I hope that you will, when you need to be, be wise and that you will always be kind. And I hope that somewhere in the next year you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman

emo moment

2009-09-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

there is this picture of my brother and i on the bookshelf in my living room. i stared at this picture tonight for the longest time. it was as if the people in the picture were just a couple of people i knew at one time. i can't figure out why. it hurts though. i have a completely different life that he isn't a part of at all. in a really strange disappointing way i feel like i have just moved on instead of whatever it was i was supposed to do. it is easier to just forget that it ever happened. but i obviously am not good at that. i guess the really completely devastating thing about it is that it just sucks!

when people you love die...it sucks. and you miss them so much but you have to keep going because life doesn't stop. nothing stops. even a year and half later you just need a minute to catch your breath and let it sink in that this is really your life and he really isn't here...but it doesn't. so you deal. and i will deal. but for the record, it sucks.

not so surprised

2009-07-14T17:11:00.000-05:00

the last couple of days i have been able to spend time reflecting on the past week. i was having a hard time thinking of ways that God had "surprised me." i think that instead of God not "surprising me," it is more that God is not giving me what i want. the way that God has been working in my life lately has been revealing a lot of things about myself and about who He wants me to be...things i wasn't really ready for. it just isn't much fun. when my phone beeps every hour my prayer time has been really tough. instead of God "surprising me" with a million dollars or a parking space that i really really really really need, He has been showing me my limitations, areas in my life that need improvement, and challenging some of my beliefs.

maybe it's not that God just threw me a surprise and stepped up the realization in my life, but maybe it is that i actually took time out of my day to pursue Him. so just maybe the surprise is that i don't need to be surprised... i just need to pay attention?

surprise me?

2009-07-01T10:31:00.000-05:00

so this week at church we are kicking off Surprise me God 30/60 project or experiment. the reason behind this is to set a reminder every 60 minutes for 30 days to ask God to surprise you and also to remind you to look for the ways God is working all around you.

i am a slacker and while most people probably started on monday i am beginning the journey today. so the very first thing that i did this morning, well maybe like the 4th thing i did this morning, was ask God to surprise me. i got ready for work and hit the road. i needed to get gas so i pulled into the gas station and like any normal person stopping to get gas, i turned off my car took the keys out of the ignition and opened my car door. oh except one little thing...my car door wouldn't open. not only would it not open it wouldn't unlock. so after getting slightly agitated i tried the passenger side door. same problem. now i am hacked. the gas station is full of people because everyone is on their way into work. people are beginning to notice the crazy lady in her car. i crawl to the back seat and of course that didn't work. i am locked INSIDE my freaking car!!!!!!!! so after throwing a fit while locked in my car i crawled out the window, pumped my gas, crawled back inside the car and drove off.

of course, because i am unnecessarily dramatic, i was really "thankful" that God had surprised me (said with ten times more sarcasm than usual). the bigger issue is that, really, i did't want to have to spend money on fixing whatever the hell is wrong with my car. hello, things would just be easier if nothing significant or slightly irritating happened!!!

point of the story: i got to work and opened the mail that had been sitting in my purse for days. there were three letters from people back home. each letter had not only amazing things to say, but a check. God met my needs before i even knew about them. i don't know how much my car will cost; maybe it will be under warranty...maybe yara the yaris will fix herself. but i do know that God surprised me today with an overwhelming example that He is in my corner. it's not about the money...i don't even know if i will need the money. i am just always surprised that He cares.

surprise3060

maybe?

2009-06-10T21:35:00.000-05:00

maybe it's the house sitting gig in the suburbs of a suburb. maybe it's the glass (or two or three) of moscato deliciously sweet wine. maybe it's because my brain just needs to rest, but i like the mystery of not knowing and the endless possibilities beyond my understanding.

i would make a terrible seminary student.

reality bites

2009-01-27T14:17:00.001-06:00

i am having a moment. i am having a moment of reality. maybe most days i have my head in the clouds.

whenever your foot falls asleep it is the coolest feeling. your foot is numb. you can hit it against something and it doesn't hurt near as bad as it would if you were awake. you try to stand up and the foot isn't having it. almost as soon as you realize how awesome it is that your foot is numb, you feel the numbness start to wear off. your foot is tingling and you are probably jumping around by now trying not to wet your pants (that's what happens when my foot starts waking up. too much info? probably!) maybe you run cold water over it trying to wake it up quickly. maybe you walk on it or sit on it try to force back into numbness. regardless of which method you use, the foot is going to wake up.

the numbness is wearing off. i think i am waking up.

WWJD

2008-11-07T18:30:00.000-06:00

i am in champaign, illinois. the weather so far has been absolutely beautiful. seriously, the weather has been my description of a perfect day the entire time i have been here. today was the first day that it got cold. sadly, people laugh when i say that today is cold. this scares me. it is almost as if winter is looming and this is the calm before the storm. it's coming. i am going to freeze. there is nothing i can do about it.

enough with that. i came to the conclusion today that i have no idea what Jesus would do. the obvious things i know. would Jesus lie? NO. Would Jesus punch an old lady in the face? NO. would Jesus make fun of people with perms? NO. but i struggle with the everyday stuff. what would his conversation look like in the panera bread that i am sitting at? would he talk to the guys next to me that are talking about video games? would he go up and sit next to the lady across the restaurant that has the sad eyes and is sitting alone? i sometimes just want a manual. i get in the way of the holy spirit leading me to talk to people. i over analyze. i just completely talk myself out of being bold. should i be bold? i don't want to look like a fool. i think my cynicism has made me gun shy. i don't want to even appear as a bible beater who thinks that i can solve all of your problems. ugh.

should i be doing more? would Jesus be doing more?

held

2008-10-24T16:42:00.000-05:00

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

all things that are good

2008-09-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

i have been very happy lately. i have enjoyed being happy. here are some materialistic, pathetic, shallow, ridiculous yet remarkable reasons that i am happy.

*yes i am happy even though the astros didn't even try to stinkin win all stinkin season and i just had to sit back and watch our hope for the play offs fall hard (like the tree in my front yard.)

1.) i have seen God's love for me when love is the last thing i deserve
2.) i got a tattoo and in a few days, i will have another one (it's tasteful and you can see it in the picture below)
a. tattoo numero uno says "speak" inspired by one of my favorite verses.
b. tattoo numero dos will have a pretty sweet (said with a lisp) design and will have the words "Talitha Cumi." (Bible
Quiz!)

3.) i became a 24 year old and my license went from vertical to horizontal.
3.5) the coen brothers have a movie in theatres. woo!
4.) i forgot about my emusic account and when i logged on i had 60 music downloads. i didn't even know what to do with myself.
5.) i got the oil changed in yara the yaris. everytime i get the oil changed i feel like it is a starting over point. i realize that it is probably all in my head that the car drives better than it did before...but it feels like a clean slate.
6.) i am moving to illinois. what? i really don't know if i have processed that all the way, but i am super stoked about this opportunity that God gave me and can't wait to see what happens.
7.) we have electricity (which really means that we have cable)
8.) i bought three new books after 2 hours in barnes & noble
9.) i have about 98% of "old gregg" memorized.
10.) ginny and lindsey visited houston.
11.) i am turning place mats into pillows. i went into Anthropology to "price" pillows for the couch in illinois. the pillows were $80! i can't spend $80 on pillows...i can't even spend $80 on much of anything. i took a stroll into the sales corner and i found place mats with the same design as the pillows. the place mats were $3.

take a hike ike

2008-09-15T14:47:00.000-05:00

note: i heard that comment on the radio the day ike was to make his grand appearance. after relentlessly criticizing the dj i have now used it for the title of this blog. i am the ultimate hypocrite.

i flew out of houston on friday 2 hours before they shut down the airport. i am now sitting in atlanta waiting to return. there is this really weird feeling because i have heard about the damage and craziness back home but don't know what to expect. i feel like i have had to watch everything unfold on the news (a luxury that most in the houston area didn't have due to the lack of electricity.) i just kept watching the hour by hour updates but this time with a little different interest because i recognized buildings and streets and heard anderson cooper talking about places i had been that very same day. i was in illinois and got to experience the mild side of ike. all the way in illinois they received 60-75 mile an hour winds... i can't imagine what it was like to be at home.

my prayers go out to all of those who lost their homes and who are feeling displaced. i can't imagine how devastating that must be. my family got off lucky, our house is still in tact, just a few minor adjustments and one less tree. for now i am soaking up my last few hours of electricity. i must be crazy going back to muggy houston with no air conditioning. hopefully we get electricity soon.

until then...

but they say it so well...

2008-07-31T22:36:00.000-05:00

I love love love music. My least favorite thing was "World of Music." Mrs. Callahan was the best piano teacher ever. I learned so much from her and really learned to appreciate the creation of music. Unfortunately though Mrs. Callahan made me study "World of Music" and take tests and somehow I got several trophies from something related...obviously didn't make a lasting impression. I do remember studying one of the greatest American composers, Aaron Copeland. Good ol' Aaron said this, "The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, 'Is there a meaning to music?' My answer would be,'Yes.' And 'Can you state in so many words what the meaning is?' My answer to that would be, 'No."

I can't listen to music with out thinking of that quote. The Cobalt Season is probably one of like 3 Christian artist that are artists (I am not anti-Christian musician. I am just picky and a little bit of a music snob.) Their lyrics, melody and passion speak volumes. I love this song and want the one, maybe two, other people that read this to enjoy it as well.

Time Will Tell

I took the hard way back this time
Never knowin’ what I’d find
But always wonderin’ what I’d see
Is it you inside of me?

You thought you knew me all along
But with a word I proved you wrong
With a word, your silence fell
It was louder than my yell

And now everything falls louder than before

But on another day, I guess I’d act a different way
And all that I can say is I’m sorry
Time will only tell, I guess we thought we knew that well, but
Time’s a teacher never chosen

You left your longing at my door
No time for trying anymore
I’ve tried so hard, what can I do?
Is it me or is it you?

I couldn’t guess all the unknowns
You were the first place I called home
But this is different than before
A silence I cannot ignore

And as days grow longer, I’m no stronger

But on another day, I guess I’d act a different way
And all that I can say is I’m sorry
Time will only tell, I guess we thought we knew that well, but
Time’s a teacher never chosen

This life’s a different life than I thought it’d be
This world’s a different world than I’d hoped I’d see
This man’s a different man since our family turned to three
It isn’t what I thought, but maybe it’s just me

But on another day…

the same but different

2008-07-29T23:17:00.001-05:00

I was driving down this road that I haven't been down in a really long time. There have been several times since moving back to Houston/Spring that I have been like a tourist because nothing is the same as it used to be. There are some parts that are unrecognizable. I was driving down this road trying to figure out what it was that was different. It seems that every where I look there are neighborhoods. I don't know where all of the people are coming from that are going to be occupying these houses, but as far as you can see homes that all resemble each other. Any way, so back in the day I would drive down this road road all the time with my dad. He played softball at the softball park down this street. The batting cages we practiced at were down this street. The Sunday drives through "the country" took place down this street and basically I just remember this restaurant, that I thought was the best thing eve,r was located down this street. One day someone started building this house. When I was a kid this house seemed like a mansion. We would drive by and see this house being built one piece at a time. The finished product was beautiful. It was this huge (way exaggerated in my memory) white house with green shudders. There was a porch that wrapped around the entire house. In the front yard there were several trees; the kind of trees that you could climb and spend all day under. I would dream about this house. When I played with my Barbies, in my imagination, this was the house they lived in.

All of that to say that I drove by there the other day and I almost passed it before I realized what it was. It was still as beautiful and perfect, but it was literally surrounded by this big ugly brown fence forming a semi-circle around the property. Sticking up over the top of the big brown fence were massive brick houses that repeated the same design every third house. It almost seemed like there wasn't room for the house; it didn't fit. It seemed like its presence on this street was an inconvenience. My heart sank a little when I saw this and I couldn't really pin point why. The house was the same but it was different.

Today I started thinking about that house and the busy street that now ran out in the front yard and the neighborhood that surrounded the property. I came to the conclusion that I feel like that house (I know this seems like something from the "Perfect Story for Every Sermon Preacher's Story Database" but it is how I felt.) The main components are still there. The functionality, the purpose, the original things that made it what it was...but even though it seemed the same it was different. I wish I could explain the kind of different. I can't though (not from a lack of trying, more of a lack of time to keep back spacing and starting over.) So I feel like that house.

open the door and see the people

2008-06-02T22:19:00.001-05:00

so last sunday i went to 3 different churches. it was a little overwhelming and i kept thinking to myself, "does this mean that i get to sleep in for the next two weeks?" (just a little joke for all those concerned)
the first church that i went to was a methodist church in the woodlands. i wasn't really feeling that one. lot's of people, lots of hype, lots of things that make me uncomfortable...until the very last five minutes. i really enjoyed the last five minutes. the guy preaching performed this song that he wrote and he was pretty much amazing. he sounded just like johnny cash. the song led me to wonder how great that church would be if they fit johnny cash songs into their sermons every week.

church numero dos is a church that i have been going to since my sophomore year of college. i wasn't a regular attender, but when i was home on the weekends i would go with my family. i am not going to critique this church, but i will just leave it at...i don't fit there. i am so envious of the relationships that my sister has from there, and am glad that i have friends there that are so amazing, but again...i don't fit.

church number three is the reason for writing this little blurb. i felt like i belonged (even with my cynicism and bad attitude) . something happened there that i didn't expect. i didn't feel distracted or uncomfortable during worship, and i didn't feel like anything was a show. (please know that i am aware that my feelings towards these things are my own fault and i am dealing with them accordingly) there was something behind the hands raised, there was something sacred about communion, and no one pretending to have anything figured out. i liked that. i didn't get the feeling that the questions, worries, doubts or passions running around in my head would scare them. i think i found church that consisted of more than just the building and the obligatory attendance.

is it possible that my hostility towards churches here is because i am fighting like crazy to make sure i don't get stuck in houston? maybe it has nothing to do with the church itself, but with me. i am being sucked into houston and if i find community here i may never leave. maybe that's the bigger issue?

have you got the...

2008-04-11T00:18:00.000-05:00

today was an annoying day that i am not proud of. on my way to work today i was making the nice ole trek down beltway 8. 104 KRBE my morning addiction chattering on the radio and me trying to find 5 good reasons to turn the car around and call it a day...when all of a sudden traffic comes to a stop. (not the same kind of stop that happened when i wrecked my car last week, but a slow stop.) so i stop. about the time that i come to terms with the fact that traffic is going to make me late to work,AGAIN, i see this billboard. this billboard has words scrolling and i read the words "have----you----got----the---", horns scream and i have to roll on.

all day i was tormented. what the "H" goes at the end of that sentence? i didn't know, but i had to find out. on my way home i was just so eager that 5:00 had finally arrived and the master plan for my trip home was finally setting sail. i exited where i saw the billboard, u-turned and there it was. i sat in the parking lot just staring up at it reading it over and over. "have---you---got----the---have---you---got---the---have---you---got---the---." fifteen minutes later i drove off. my brain just will not let it go. i have to go to bed wondering what is at the end of that stupid sentence.

better luck tomorrow i guess. i am fearful that if-scratch that-when i find out how the sentence ends i will be left disappointed...finding that my imagination is way more entertaining than the sign. sigh.

blink

2008-03-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

i feel like i have just blinked and time just spun out of control. this week is 3 months. 3 months since i have seen my brother. i can't wrap my mind around how the world keeps moving on like nothing happened. i don't even get a choice. it just doesn't seem fair. i am waiting for numbness to wear off...but i just don't know when it gets better.

believe me, i know all of the come backs to comments like mine. i know that God is good and will take care of us, i even know that kyle is in a much better place...but the thing is...he isn't here. there are probably worse things and people who have more reason to be emo. i realize that my life isn't bad compared to a lot of people, but i guess i just miss kyle and wish he were here. i miss hearing him laugh and seeing his goofy smile and bad teeth and smelly hair because he was gross and wasn't really into personal hygiene. i miss the fact that he thought that every time we stopped at a gas station he had to have a piece of candy or a snack. i miss being embarrassed because i never knew what was going to come out of his mouth. i miss him always beating me at chess. he only asked for guitar hero for christmas because he knew that morgan and i wanted it so badly. we only got to play it one time together. i miss my dad and i miss what my family used to be and life right now is just crazy unsatisfying. for the first time in my entire life i feel like i am just a spec among millions of people. i am just here...doing whatever till the next day when it starts all over again. i am just here!

a few of my favorite things

2008-02-16T23:37:00.000-06:00

i miss seattle. i miss seattle a whole lot. i can only think of a few things that i didn't like about that place.

here is what i didn't like:
-the bus smelled like a combination of urine and alcohol after 9:00pm
-the bottom of my jeans were always wet from the puddles of water
-i couldn't wear cute shoes, i had to wear water proof shoes
-there wasn't a sonic

here is why i loved it:
-espresso vivace had lattes that were so smooth like velvet. it was heaven.
-tribant was within walking distance and live music on saturday nights, the friendliest baristas, and a fun atmostphere
-mongolian grill on the ave
-the ave in general. it is the street that never sleeps. great shopping, food, coffee, and pretty much anything else you need
-bus riding and the people that you only meet in seattle
-standing downtown and getting lost in the business and consumerism, but looking through buildings to see mountains in any direction you look
-used book stores on every corner
-suzzalo library
-the bluest skies
-gas works park
-buffalo exchange
-shopping on broadway (red light i miss you and i am sure you miss me spending my entire paycheck)
-thrift store browsing in capitol hill
-pike place fish market and all of it's tourists
-planes that land in the water
-people watching in fremont
-our crazy collection of people at the purple door
-family meals on thursday night
-lunch with natalia on wednesday
-pumpkin spice lattes made by steve
-sport's updates every monday by steve and michael
-me and ronnie's dates to urban outfitters
-living in the basement with lindsay (and the amazing food she cooked)
-the big purple chair in the living room

so much more but this list is already long enough. i am full of excitement that i get to return for a week over spring break!

i work for the man... but not the man i used to work for

2008-02-14T20:49:00.000-06:00

i sold my soul to the corporate world. i don't even have time for facebook. my wardrobe is suffering greatly from a sudden increase of professionalism. what is this world coming to? for many years i have been oblivious to the inner workings of big businesses. i am becoming all too familiar. i have been spoiled. spoiled with jobs that have been, for the most part, great. i worked at the bsm and then i got to work in seattle for goodness sake. i mean i really had amazing jobs! i did have this awful little stint with "ross dress for less" one christmas break which taught me three valuable lessons. 1.) stay in school, 2.)don't do drugs, 3.) don't ever work at "ross dress for less". sadly i only worked there for like 9 days. in my defense...those 9 days were miserable.

my plug for new conspirators

2008-02-05T19:50:00.000-06:00

Before I left Seattle I was so excited about the New Conspirators Conference. I guess I am still pretty excited about it, just tormented with jealousy because I can no longer go.

If you don't know about the conference you should check it out at thenewconspirators.wordpress.com

There have been some really amazing articles written about the conference and also about these "new conspirators" who are living this new monasticism. I am very intrigued by the way that these people live their lives, experience community, and live out their faith. There is something simple and authentic to the way that they love God and show love to others. Here is one of the articles that I found interesting www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2008/02/03/the_unexpected_monks.

if you want to read more about these crazy new monks or the new conspirators conference look right here thenewconspirators.wordpress.com, or you can look here www.msainfo.org, or even better you could look here www.newmonasticism.org.

You should know that I tried to link those little websites, but it didn't work out so well for me. So now if you really want to read about what was mentioned in the blog you are going to have to type it out. good luck.
Sorry I ramble.

the eve of super tuesday

2008-02-04T13:36:00.000-06:00

Today is Monday which can only mean that tomorrow is Tuesday. Not just any Tuesday...it is super Tuesday. Watching candidates battle it out making promises they probably intend to keep. I get excited. What if these presidential candidates who are promising change really do bring about change? I guess I am still not completely jaded and hope for the best. It has been really interesting to see candidates, well certain candidates, address issues that haven't been addressed before. I have found this election process to be very interesting and full of several surprises. I am pumped for super Tuesday! and and and if you are a Texan and want to get in on the primary action, today is the last day to register to vote! DO IT. VOTE March 4th!!!

As much as I get into the whole political tracking craze, I have to stop and think about the stuff going on around the world that isn't getting as much attention. I have to wonder what, if any, difference it would make if the amount of coverage put into political campaigns was put on the tragedy in Kenya, Algeria, Chad, sex trafficking in the Sudan and Asia, the billions that go to bed hungry everynight, and the billions that are displaced from their homes and treated like animals. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference at all, but I just wonder sometimes what would happen.

my oh my

2008-01-29T22:15:00.000-06:00

Monday marked the one month point. One whole month since my brother died. One whole month since that Friday night driving over the hill and at the very top looking down at the red and blue flashing lights ahead. All hope immediately drained from my body. Ever since that night everything has been a dream. I don't know where time went or why it flew right passed me so quickly. There is a hole. Life is quiet and painfully different. I am left to figure out how and even why I have to move on. I am taking part in this world, but am strangely unaware. I am not the same person. I try to be, for everyone else, but I am not doing a very good job at it. One day at a time, and then maybe things will get better?
Something very beautiful happened today. Even in the midst of this tragedy something beautiful happened. There is a girl who was friends with my brother, I don't even know her, but she became a believer today. When I heard this it brought tears to my eyes. Ever since my brother died her family had started going to our church. She was hurting and struggling to understand, and now she can have peace. I can't imagine how life changing that is for her. To have no hope and no understanding at all of how God can be there when something like this happens, to knowing that she has a Savior who loves her even when we don't understand. This doesn't at all take my pain away, but it gives me reason to rejoice. I have forgotten the beauty of salvation. Today is the start of her new life in Christ. How wonderfully complex it is that you can be so frustrated with God and so amazed by Him at the same time?

primary season

2008-01-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

I love politics. I love it. I enjoy talking about issues, about our country, about democracy, about Hillary, Obama, McCain, Mit, Mike, and even Fred...yes Fred. For some reason I just eat it up. I understand that is becoming a pretty popular Christian stance to just say "NO" to voting. I respect that. I can respect that. Unfortunately, if that is the Godly thing to do, I am failing miserably. I spend hours and hours studying candidates and where they stand on issues, their voting history, their activity in previous offices. It is exhilarating for me. I have this notebook with sections for each candidate. OK, well now that I have admitted that I am a politics groupie, I will get to the point of this blog. Someone told me recently that the presidential candidate that I was considering was the anti-Christ. What? How did you know? There have been so many false alarms all of these years. Well now we found him? Good to know. Up until this point I thought the popular opinion was that Oprah was going to fill that role. (this opinion supported by numerous conversations, mostly with my grandma.) As I was thinking about this I had this thought..."If ______ is the anti-Christ, whether I vote for him or not, won't he win regardless?" Maybe the argument to that thought would be that I would have to suffer with the guilt that I had put the anti-Christ into office? OH goodness I just don't know.

The point of me saying all of this is why do we call people anti-Christ? That is a pretty serious thing. Do we really know? Can you even really look at someone or hear someone and say, "yep! that's him?" I am not speaking out and saying that we shouldn't go around guessing the identity of the anti-Christ, I just find it hilarious that, for Christians, that is a huge insult. The biggest!!! We don't agree with someone or they challenge our world view and we equate them with being the dreaded anti-Christ. I don't know...I find it funny.

A Map or Something

2008-01-06T13:33:00.000-06:00

I was thinking that it would be really nice if I had a preview of my life from here on out. I don't have to know everything just a little taste. Maybe even a map or something. It could be a really unclear map with just the major intersections. I read Proverbs 3:5 which tell me to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. Isaiah 58:11 says that the Lord will guide me. I am starting to think that is my map. I am supposed to be on a plane right now flying back to Seattle. I don't know when I will be back. There are so many things that are popping into my head that I shouldn't be worried about. The fact that I don't want to be stuck in Spring, Tx, for the rest of my life. I really love Seattle and will miss it sooo much. The bigger thing is that I trust that God is going to get my family through this. He will guide me and direct me in which way I should go. He will tell me when it is time to leave or if it is time to leave. Right now I can't imagine leaving my family and being away from them at this time. When is a good time though? I have so many regrets that for the last 4 and 1/2 months I have been so far away from my brother. I hadn't seen him in forever. Did I make the wrong decision going to Seattle? Was I supposed to be spending time with my family? In my heart I know that I did the right thing, and I am so thankful that I was able to come home for the holidays and spend a week with him before he died. Now that he is gone I just wish I had more time.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to think about the word trust. What does it mean to trust? To fully trust letting go of the control you have. How do you deal with the fact that we can't control the circumstances in our lives? How do you give up control? What is the relationship between our need to be in control and trust and can we ever fully allow ouselves to trust God? Just a little something to think about. God doesn't tell us to only trust when something goes wrong, but all the time. To me that is a little harder to do.

happy new year?

2008-01-04T19:35:00.001-06:00

As you can tell by my blog, I am not a really intense blogger. I have had this blog for a while but it has become my ritual to write something and erase it shortly after. I am feeling that this will be a really good thing for me.

On Friday, the 28th, my baby brother died. He was 17 years old and it was a complete shock. I guess car accidents usually aren't planned. Life as I knew it completely vanished all in one night...within a couple of hours. It is the new year. Most people are busy breaking resolutions and yet the only thing that I can think about is the fact that I am going into 2008 without my brother...only memories. I do have this overwhelming peace that calms all of my fears, but at the same time I am empty. There is this feeling of dis-belief, my family already lost a dad and husband. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!! I almost had this thought that we were exempt from another death. The two most important men in my life are now gone and I am left to figure out how life goes on through that. I feel that my family just now, 5 1/2 years later, figured out what normal was and are now forced to adjust yet again. Friday, around 5:10pm, I saw my brother and at 5:30pm he was dead. What does it mean to praise through a storm? Momentary affliction? God working all things for good? I will be honest and tell you I don't have any idea, but this thing I know with all my heart is that God is faithful. I know that for the first time my brother knows exactly how much God loves him. I am hurting and question God, but He can handle it.

(please be advised that this next section is completely cheesy and cliche...but true)
My New Year's resolution is to live and love as if our days are numbered.

new experiences

2007-10-18T01:35:00.000-05:00

i have been in seattle for like two months now and that is just crazy. time is going by so fast. i feel that i am on a learning overload. it's almost as though everyday has a new lesson...a new set of ideas.

tonight was a really really good night. i got to be a part of some really intense conversation at one of the groups on campus. my brain is still spinning, and i just can't stop thinking about the things that were discussed tonight. part of me got really excited. i have such a wonderful opportunity to be here and to be having these conversations. the topic of discussion tonight was racism, in light of the unfortunate "jena 6" incident. the passion in the room was so contagious. everyone in the room just wanted the suffering to end. there were so many shocking statistics about incidents of racism in our country, it is hard to turn away from them. so as i am sitting in this room, just kind of taking everything in, i am just struck by a thought. here i am in this room where our religious beliefs are very different. God is probably misunderstood and only associated with the right wing among the people in this room. (which is not a good thing) and we can come together and agree that people are equal and should be treated so. i want to just stand up on the desk and shout...jesus wants the same thing. his whole message is that people are free and equal...that He doesn't love just some people a little bit and other people a whole lot. i follow a Jesus that loved the poor, loved the rich, loves the black, loves the white, loves the ones who mess everything up, and the ones who think they do everything right. when did Jesus become political? what a shame that in this meeting where everything they are looking for could be answered with a little dose of Jesus, just the mention of religion makes their skin crawl. how did we get here? what are the infamous five steps for cleaning up the mess Christians have made? i was in a room surrounded by people who were outraged that people die of hunger when we have more than enough food to make everyone fat and happy, they were dissapointed that we live in a world that makes it easier for a person to go to prison rather than college because of the color of their skin. i think that Jesus cares about those same things, i think that He would be right along side of them.

why aren't we doing anything about the social injustices all around the world, all around the neighborhood we live in? since when are the only people taking action the people who don't love Jesus? if anybody should be doing anything, or caring, it should be the people who claim the name of Christ. shame on us for being more concerned with talking about predestination and whether or not we should drink ( or be honest about if we drink) than with loving others. really loving others, not just talking about it. love God love people, that gets thrown around a lot...but what does that mean? what does that look like? what are we doing to love others? there are tons and tons of people are who are looking for love, looking for peace, looking for answers...they are taking action into their own hands because nothing else is being done. we have the answer living inside of us. we are the messengers...why aren't we sending the message. tonight a question was asked about why Christians weren't involved in the conversations and issues that the group was discussing. why? is there a good reason? maybe if the discussion had been about divorce, women pastors, abortion, or homosexuality...Christians would have taken an interest.