blink

i feel like i have just blinked and time just spun out of control. this week is 3 months. 3 months since i have seen my brother. i can't wrap my mind around how the world keeps moving on like nothing happened. i don't even get a choice. it just doesn't seem fair. i am waiting for numbness to wear off...but i just don't know when it gets better.

believe me, i know all of the come backs to comments like mine. i know that God is good and will take care of us, i even know that kyle is in a much better place...but the thing is...he isn't here. there are probably worse things and people who have more reason to be emo. i realize that my life isn't bad compared to a lot of people, but i guess i just miss kyle and wish he were here. i miss hearing him laugh and seeing his goofy smile and bad teeth and smelly hair because he was gross and wasn't really into personal hygiene. i miss the fact that he thought that every time we stopped at a gas station he had to have a piece of candy or a snack. i miss being embarrassed because i never knew what was going to come out of his mouth. i miss him always beating me at chess. he only asked for guitar hero for christmas because he knew that morgan and i wanted it so badly. we only got to play it one time together. i miss my dad and i miss what my family used to be and life right now is just crazy unsatisfying. for the first time in my entire life i feel like i am just a spec among millions of people. i am just here...doing whatever till the next day when it starts all over again. i am just here!