emo moment

there is this picture of my brother and i on the bookshelf in my living room. i stared at this picture tonight for the longest time. it was as if the people in the picture were just a couple of people i knew at one time. i can't figure out why. it hurts though. i have a completely different life that he isn't a part of at all. in a really strange disappointing way i feel like i have just moved on instead of whatever it was i was supposed to do. it is easier to just forget that it ever happened. but i obviously am not good at that. i guess the really completely devastating thing about it is that it just sucks!

when people you love die...it sucks. and you miss them so much but you have to keep going because life doesn't stop. nothing stops. even a year and half later you just need a minute to catch your breath and let it sink in that this is really your life and he really isn't here...but it doesn't. so you deal. and i will deal. but for the record, it sucks.

not so surprised

the last couple of days i have been able to spend time reflecting on the past week. i was having a hard time thinking of ways that God had "surprised me." i think that instead of God not "surprising me," it is more that God is not giving me what i want. the way that God has been working in my life lately has been revealing a lot of things about myself and about who He wants me to be...things i wasn't really ready for. it just isn't much fun. when my phone beeps every hour my prayer time has been really tough. instead of God "surprising me" with a million dollars or a parking space that i really really really really need, He has been showing me my limitations, areas in my life that need improvement, and challenging some of my beliefs.

maybe it's not that God just threw me a surprise and stepped up the realization in my life, but maybe it is that i actually took time out of my day to pursue Him. so just maybe the surprise is that i don't need to be surprised... i just need to pay attention?

surprise me?

so this week at church we are kicking off Surprise me God 30/60 project or experiment. the reason behind this is to set a reminder every 60 minutes for 30 days to ask God to surprise you and also to remind you to look for the ways God is working all around you.

i am a slacker and while most people probably started on monday i am beginning the journey today. so the very first thing that i did this morning, well maybe like the 4th thing i did this morning, was ask God to surprise me. i got ready for work and hit the road. i needed to get gas so i pulled into the gas station and like any normal person stopping to get gas, i turned off my car took the keys out of the ignition and opened my car door. oh except one little thing...my car door wouldn't open. not only would it not open it wouldn't unlock. so after getting slightly agitated i tried the passenger side door. same problem. now i am hacked. the gas station is full of people because everyone is on their way into work. people are beginning to notice the crazy lady in her car. i crawl to the back seat and of course that didn't work. i am locked INSIDE my freaking car!!!!!!!! so after throwing a fit while locked in my car i crawled out the window, pumped my gas, crawled back inside the car and drove off.

of course, because i am unnecessarily dramatic, i was really "thankful" that God had surprised me (said with ten times more sarcasm than usual). the bigger issue is that, really, i did't want to have to spend money on fixing whatever the hell is wrong with my car. hello, things would just be easier if nothing significant or slightly irritating happened!!!

point of the story: i got to work and opened the mail that had been sitting in my purse for days. there were three letters from people back home. each letter had not only amazing things to say, but a check. God met my needs before i even knew about them. i don't know how much my car will cost; maybe it will be under warranty...maybe yara the yaris will fix herself. but i do know that God surprised me today with an overwhelming example that He is in my corner. it's not about the money...i don't even know if i will need the money. i am just always surprised that He cares.

surprise3060

maybe?

maybe it's the house sitting gig in the suburbs of a suburb. maybe it's the glass (or two or three) of moscato deliciously sweet wine. maybe it's because my brain just needs to rest, but i like the mystery of not knowing and the endless possibilities beyond my understanding.

i would make a terrible seminary student.

reality bites

i am having a moment. i am having a moment of reality. maybe most days i have my head in the clouds.

whenever your foot falls asleep it is the coolest feeling. your foot is numb. you can hit it against something and it doesn't hurt near as bad as it would if you were awake. you try to stand up and the foot isn't having it. almost as soon as you realize how awesome it is that your foot is numb, you feel the numbness start to wear off. your foot is tingling and you are probably jumping around by now trying not to wet your pants (that's what happens when my foot starts waking up. too much info? probably!) maybe you run cold water over it trying to wake it up quickly. maybe you walk on it or sit on it try to force back into numbness. regardless of which method you use, the foot is going to wake up.

the numbness is wearing off. i think i am waking up.