Monday marked the one month point. One whole month since my brother died. One whole month since that Friday night driving over the hill and at the very top looking down at the red and blue flashing lights ahead. All hope immediately drained from my body. Ever since that night everything has been a dream. I don't know where time went or why it flew right passed me so quickly. There is a hole. Life is quiet and painfully different. I am left to figure out how and even why I have to move on. I am taking part in this world, but am strangely unaware. I am not the same person. I try to be, for everyone else, but I am not doing a very good job at it. One day at a time, and then maybe things will get better?
Something very beautiful happened today. Even in the midst of this tragedy something beautiful happened. There is a girl who was friends with my brother, I don't even know her, but she became a believer today. When I heard this it brought tears to my eyes. Ever since my brother died her family had started going to our church. She was hurting and struggling to understand, and now she can have peace. I can't imagine how life changing that is for her. To have no hope and no understanding at all of how God can be there when something like this happens, to knowing that she has a Savior who loves her even when we don't understand. This doesn't at all take my pain away, but it gives me reason to rejoice. I have forgotten the beauty of salvation. Today is the start of her new life in Christ. How wonderfully complex it is that you can be so frustrated with God and so amazed by Him at the same time?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
primary season
I love politics. I love it. I enjoy talking about issues, about our country, about democracy, about Hillary, Obama, McCain, Mit, Mike, and even Fred...yes Fred. For some reason I just eat it up. I understand that is becoming a pretty popular Christian stance to just say "NO" to voting. I respect that. I can respect that. Unfortunately, if that is the Godly thing to do, I am failing miserably. I spend hours and hours studying candidates and where they stand on issues, their voting history, their activity in previous offices. It is exhilarating for me. I have this notebook with sections for each candidate. OK, well now that I have admitted that I am a politics groupie, I will get to the point of this blog. Someone told me recently that the presidential candidate that I was considering was the anti-Christ. What? How did you know? There have been so many false alarms all of these years. Well now we found him? Good to know. Up until this point I thought the popular opinion was that Oprah was going to fill that role. (this opinion supported by numerous conversations, mostly with my grandma.) As I was thinking about this I had this thought..."If ______ is the anti-Christ, whether I vote for him or not, won't he win regardless?" Maybe the argument to that thought would be that I would have to suffer with the guilt that I had put the anti-Christ into office? OH goodness I just don't know.
The point of me saying all of this is why do we call people anti-Christ? That is a pretty serious thing. Do we really know? Can you even really look at someone or hear someone and say, "yep! that's him?" I am not speaking out and saying that we shouldn't go around guessing the identity of the anti-Christ, I just find it hilarious that, for Christians, that is a huge insult. The biggest!!! We don't agree with someone or they challenge our world view and we equate them with being the dreaded anti-Christ. I don't know...I find it funny.
The point of me saying all of this is why do we call people anti-Christ? That is a pretty serious thing. Do we really know? Can you even really look at someone or hear someone and say, "yep! that's him?" I am not speaking out and saying that we shouldn't go around guessing the identity of the anti-Christ, I just find it hilarious that, for Christians, that is a huge insult. The biggest!!! We don't agree with someone or they challenge our world view and we equate them with being the dreaded anti-Christ. I don't know...I find it funny.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
A Map or Something
I was thinking that it would be really nice if I had a preview of my life from here on out. I don't have to know everything just a little taste. Maybe even a map or something. It could be a really unclear map with just the major intersections. I read Proverbs 3:5 which tell me to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. Isaiah 58:11 says that the Lord will guide me. I am starting to think that is my map. I am supposed to be on a plane right now flying back to Seattle. I don't know when I will be back. There are so many things that are popping into my head that I shouldn't be worried about. The fact that I don't want to be stuck in Spring, Tx, for the rest of my life. I really love Seattle and will miss it sooo much. The bigger thing is that I trust that God is going to get my family through this. He will guide me and direct me in which way I should go. He will tell me when it is time to leave or if it is time to leave. Right now I can't imagine leaving my family and being away from them at this time. When is a good time though? I have so many regrets that for the last 4 and 1/2 months I have been so far away from my brother. I hadn't seen him in forever. Did I make the wrong decision going to Seattle? Was I supposed to be spending time with my family? In my heart I know that I did the right thing, and I am so thankful that I was able to come home for the holidays and spend a week with him before he died. Now that he is gone I just wish I had more time.
Maybe this is a good opportunity to think about the word trust. What does it mean to trust? To fully trust letting go of the control you have. How do you deal with the fact that we can't control the circumstances in our lives? How do you give up control? What is the relationship between our need to be in control and trust and can we ever fully allow ouselves to trust God? Just a little something to think about. God doesn't tell us to only trust when something goes wrong, but all the time. To me that is a little harder to do.
Maybe this is a good opportunity to think about the word trust. What does it mean to trust? To fully trust letting go of the control you have. How do you deal with the fact that we can't control the circumstances in our lives? How do you give up control? What is the relationship between our need to be in control and trust and can we ever fully allow ouselves to trust God? Just a little something to think about. God doesn't tell us to only trust when something goes wrong, but all the time. To me that is a little harder to do.
Friday, January 4, 2008
happy new year?
As you can tell by my blog, I am not a really intense blogger. I have had this blog for a while but it has become my ritual to write something and erase it shortly after. I am feeling that this will be a really good thing for me.
On Friday, the 28th, my baby brother died. He was 17 years old and it was a complete shock. I guess car accidents usually aren't planned. Life as I knew it completely vanished all in one night...within a couple of hours. It is the new year. Most people are busy breaking resolutions and yet the only thing that I can think about is the fact that I am going into 2008 without my brother...only memories. I do have this overwhelming peace that calms all of my fears, but at the same time I am empty. There is this feeling of dis-belief, my family already lost a dad and husband. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!! I almost had this thought that we were exempt from another death. The two most important men in my life are now gone and I am left to figure out how life goes on through that. I feel that my family just now, 5 1/2 years later, figured out what normal was and are now forced to adjust yet again. Friday, around 5:10pm, I saw my brother and at 5:30pm he was dead. What does it mean to praise through a storm? Momentary affliction? God working all things for good? I will be honest and tell you I don't have any idea, but this thing I know with all my heart is that God is faithful. I know that for the first time my brother knows exactly how much God loves him. I am hurting and question God, but He can handle it.
(please be advised that this next section is completely cheesy and cliche...but true)
My New Year's resolution is to live and love as if our days are numbered.
On Friday, the 28th, my baby brother died. He was 17 years old and it was a complete shock. I guess car accidents usually aren't planned. Life as I knew it completely vanished all in one night...within a couple of hours. It is the new year. Most people are busy breaking resolutions and yet the only thing that I can think about is the fact that I am going into 2008 without my brother...only memories. I do have this overwhelming peace that calms all of my fears, but at the same time I am empty. There is this feeling of dis-belief, my family already lost a dad and husband. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!! I almost had this thought that we were exempt from another death. The two most important men in my life are now gone and I am left to figure out how life goes on through that. I feel that my family just now, 5 1/2 years later, figured out what normal was and are now forced to adjust yet again. Friday, around 5:10pm, I saw my brother and at 5:30pm he was dead. What does it mean to praise through a storm? Momentary affliction? God working all things for good? I will be honest and tell you I don't have any idea, but this thing I know with all my heart is that God is faithful. I know that for the first time my brother knows exactly how much God loves him. I am hurting and question God, but He can handle it.
(please be advised that this next section is completely cheesy and cliche...but true)
My New Year's resolution is to live and love as if our days are numbered.