my oh my

Monday marked the one month point. One whole month since my brother died. One whole month since that Friday night driving over the hill and at the very top looking down at the red and blue flashing lights ahead. All hope immediately drained from my body. Ever since that night everything has been a dream. I don't know where time went or why it flew right passed me so quickly. There is a hole. Life is quiet and painfully different. I am left to figure out how and even why I have to move on. I am taking part in this world, but am strangely unaware. I am not the same person. I try to be, for everyone else, but I am not doing a very good job at it. One day at a time, and then maybe things will get better?
Something very beautiful happened today. Even in the midst of this tragedy something beautiful happened. There is a girl who was friends with my brother, I don't even know her, but she became a believer today. When I heard this it brought tears to my eyes. Ever since my brother died her family had started going to our church. She was hurting and struggling to understand, and now she can have peace. I can't imagine how life changing that is for her. To have no hope and no understanding at all of how God can be there when something like this happens, to knowing that she has a Savior who loves her even when we don't understand. This doesn't at all take my pain away, but it gives me reason to rejoice. I have forgotten the beauty of salvation. Today is the start of her new life in Christ. How wonderfully complex it is that you can be so frustrated with God and so amazed by Him at the same time?