WWJD

i am in champaign, illinois. the weather so far has been absolutely beautiful. seriously, the weather has been my description of a perfect day the entire time i have been here. today was the first day that it got cold. sadly, people laugh when i say that today is cold. this scares me. it is almost as if winter is looming and this is the calm before the storm. it's coming. i am going to freeze. there is nothing i can do about it.

enough with that. i came to the conclusion today that i have no idea what Jesus would do. the obvious things i know. would Jesus lie? NO. Would Jesus punch an old lady in the face? NO. would Jesus make fun of people with perms? NO. but i struggle with the everyday stuff. what would his conversation look like in the panera bread that i am sitting at? would he talk to the guys next to me that are talking about video games? would he go up and sit next to the lady across the restaurant that has the sad eyes and is sitting alone? i sometimes just want a manual. i get in the way of the holy spirit leading me to talk to people. i over analyze. i just completely talk myself out of being bold. should i be bold? i don't want to look like a fool. i think my cynicism has made me gun shy. i don't want to even appear as a bible beater who thinks that i can solve all of your problems. ugh.

should i be doing more? would Jesus be doing more?

held

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

all things that are good

i have been very happy lately. i have enjoyed being happy. here are some materialistic, pathetic, shallow, ridiculous yet remarkable reasons that i am happy.

*yes i am happy even though the astros didn't even try to stinkin win all stinkin season and i just had to sit back and watch our hope for the play offs fall hard (like the tree in my front yard.)

1.) i have seen God's love for me when love is the last thing i deserve
2.) i got a tattoo and in a few days, i will have another one (it's tasteful and you can see it in the picture below)
a. tattoo numero uno says "speak" inspired by one of my favorite verses.
b. tattoo numero dos will have a pretty sweet (said with a lisp) design and will have the words "Talitha Cumi." (Bible
Quiz!)



3.) i became a 24 year old and my license went from vertical to horizontal.
3.5) the coen brothers have a movie in theatres. woo!
4.) i forgot about my emusic account and when i logged on i had 60 music downloads. i didn't even know what to do with myself.
5.) i got the oil changed in yara the yaris. everytime i get the oil changed i feel like it is a starting over point. i realize that it is probably all in my head that the car drives better than it did before...but it feels like a clean slate.
6.) i am moving to illinois. what? i really don't know if i have processed that all the way, but i am super stoked about this opportunity that God gave me and can't wait to see what happens.
7.) we have electricity (which really means that we have cable)
8.) i bought three new books after 2 hours in barnes & noble
9.) i have about 98% of "old gregg" memorized.
10.) ginny and lindsey visited houston.
11.) i am turning place mats into pillows. i went into Anthropology to "price" pillows for the couch in illinois. the pillows were $80! i can't spend $80 on pillows...i can't even spend $80 on much of anything. i took a stroll into the sales corner and i found place mats with the same design as the pillows. the place mats were $3.

take a hike ike

note: i heard that comment on the radio the day ike was to make his grand appearance. after relentlessly criticizing the dj i have now used it for the title of this blog. i am the ultimate hypocrite.

i flew out of houston on friday 2 hours before they shut down the airport. i am now sitting in atlanta waiting to return. there is this really weird feeling because i have heard about the damage and craziness back home but don't know what to expect. i feel like i have had to watch everything unfold on the news (a luxury that most in the houston area didn't have due to the lack of electricity.) i just kept watching the hour by hour updates but this time with a little different interest because i recognized buildings and streets and heard anderson cooper talking about places i had been that very same day. i was in illinois and got to experience the mild side of ike. all the way in illinois they received 60-75 mile an hour winds... i can't imagine what it was like to be at home.

my prayers go out to all of those who lost their homes and who are feeling displaced. i can't imagine how devastating that must be. my family got off lucky, our house is still in tact, just a few minor adjustments and one less tree. for now i am soaking up my last few hours of electricity. i must be crazy going back to muggy houston with no air conditioning. hopefully we get electricity soon.

until then...

but they say it so well...

I love love love music. My least favorite thing was "World of Music." Mrs. Callahan was the best piano teacher ever. I learned so much from her and really learned to appreciate the creation of music. Unfortunately though Mrs. Callahan made me study "World of Music" and take tests and somehow I got several trophies from something related...obviously didn't make a lasting impression. I do remember studying one of the greatest American composers, Aaron Copeland. Good ol' Aaron said this, "The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, 'Is there a meaning to music?' My answer would be,'Yes.' And 'Can you state in so many words what the meaning is?' My answer to that would be, 'No."

I can't listen to music with out thinking of that quote. The Cobalt Season is probably one of like 3 Christian artist that are artists (I am not anti-Christian musician. I am just picky and a little bit of a music snob.) Their lyrics, melody and passion speak volumes. I love this song and want the one, maybe two, other people that read this to enjoy it as well.

Time Will Tell

I took the hard way back this time
Never knowin’ what I’d find
But always wonderin’ what I’d see
Is it you inside of me?

You thought you knew me all along
But with a word I proved you wrong
With a word, your silence fell
It was louder than my yell

And now everything falls louder than before

But on another day, I guess I’d act a different way
And all that I can say is I’m sorry
Time will only tell, I guess we thought we knew that well, but
Time’s a teacher never chosen

You left your longing at my door
No time for trying anymore
I’ve tried so hard, what can I do?
Is it me or is it you?

I couldn’t guess all the unknowns
You were the first place I called home
But this is different than before
A silence I cannot ignore

And as days grow longer, I’m no stronger

But on another day, I guess I’d act a different way
And all that I can say is I’m sorry
Time will only tell, I guess we thought we knew that well, but
Time’s a teacher never chosen

This life’s a different life than I thought it’d be
This world’s a different world than I’d hoped I’d see
This man’s a different man since our family turned to three
It isn’t what I thought, but maybe it’s just me

But on another day…

the same but different

I was driving down this road that I haven't been down in a really long time. There have been several times since moving back to Houston/Spring that I have been like a tourist because nothing is the same as it used to be. There are some parts that are unrecognizable. I was driving down this road trying to figure out what it was that was different. It seems that every where I look there are neighborhoods. I don't know where all of the people are coming from that are going to be occupying these houses, but as far as you can see homes that all resemble each other. Any way, so back in the day I would drive down this road road all the time with my dad. He played softball at the softball park down this street. The batting cages we practiced at were down this street. The Sunday drives through "the country" took place down this street and basically I just remember this restaurant, that I thought was the best thing eve,r was located down this street. One day someone started building this house. When I was a kid this house seemed like a mansion. We would drive by and see this house being built one piece at a time. The finished product was beautiful. It was this huge (way exaggerated in my memory) white house with green shudders. There was a porch that wrapped around the entire house. In the front yard there were several trees; the kind of trees that you could climb and spend all day under. I would dream about this house. When I played with my Barbies, in my imagination, this was the house they lived in.

All of that to say that I drove by there the other day and I almost passed it before I realized what it was. It was still as beautiful and perfect, but it was literally surrounded by this big ugly brown fence forming a semi-circle around the property. Sticking up over the top of the big brown fence were massive brick houses that repeated the same design every third house. It almost seemed like there wasn't room for the house; it didn't fit. It seemed like its presence on this street was an inconvenience. My heart sank a little when I saw this and I couldn't really pin point why. The house was the same but it was different.

Today I started thinking about that house and the busy street that now ran out in the front yard and the neighborhood that surrounded the property. I came to the conclusion that I feel like that house (I know this seems like something from the "Perfect Story for Every Sermon Preacher's Story Database" but it is how I felt.) The main components are still there. The functionality, the purpose, the original things that made it what it was...but even though it seemed the same it was different. I wish I could explain the kind of different. I can't though (not from a lack of trying, more of a lack of time to keep back spacing and starting over.) So I feel like that house.

open the door and see the people

so last sunday i went to 3 different churches. it was a little overwhelming and i kept thinking to myself, "does this mean that i get to sleep in for the next two weeks?" (just a little joke for all those concerned)
the first church that i went to was a methodist church in the woodlands. i wasn't really feeling that one. lot's of people, lots of hype, lots of things that make me uncomfortable...until the very last five minutes. i really enjoyed the last five minutes. the guy preaching performed this song that he wrote and he was pretty much amazing. he sounded just like johnny cash. the song led me to wonder how great that church would be if they fit johnny cash songs into their sermons every week.

church numero dos is a church that i have been going to since my sophomore year of college. i wasn't a regular attender, but when i was home on the weekends i would go with my family. i am not going to critique this church, but i will just leave it at...i don't fit there. i am so envious of the relationships that my sister has from there, and am glad that i have friends there that are so amazing, but again...i don't fit.

church number three is the reason for writing this little blurb. i felt like i belonged (even with my cynicism and bad attitude) . something happened there that i didn't expect. i didn't feel distracted or uncomfortable during worship, and i didn't feel like anything was a show. (please know that i am aware that my feelings towards these things are my own fault and i am dealing with them accordingly) there was something behind the hands raised, there was something sacred about communion, and no one pretending to have anything figured out. i liked that. i didn't get the feeling that the questions, worries, doubts or passions running around in my head would scare them. i think i found church that consisted of more than just the building and the obligatory attendance.

is it possible that my hostility towards churches here is because i am fighting like crazy to make sure i don't get stuck in houston? maybe it has nothing to do with the church itself, but with me. i am being sucked into houston and if i find community here i may never leave. maybe that's the bigger issue?

have you got the...

today was an annoying day that i am not proud of. on my way to work today i was making the nice ole trek down beltway 8. 104 KRBE my morning addiction chattering on the radio and me trying to find 5 good reasons to turn the car around and call it a day...when all of a sudden traffic comes to a stop. (not the same kind of stop that happened when i wrecked my car last week, but a slow stop.) so i stop. about the time that i come to terms with the fact that traffic is going to make me late to work,AGAIN, i see this billboard. this billboard has words scrolling and i read the words "have----you----got----the---", horns scream and i have to roll on.

all day i was tormented. what the "H" goes at the end of that sentence? i didn't know, but i had to find out. on my way home i was just so eager that 5:00 had finally arrived and the master plan for my trip home was finally setting sail. i exited where i saw the billboard, u-turned and there it was. i sat in the parking lot just staring up at it reading it over and over. "have---you---got----the---have---you---got---the---have---you---got---the---." fifteen minutes later i drove off. my brain just will not let it go. i have to go to bed wondering what is at the end of that stupid sentence.

better luck tomorrow i guess. i am fearful that if-scratch that-when i find out how the sentence ends i will be left disappointed...finding that my imagination is way more entertaining than the sign. sigh.

blink

i feel like i have just blinked and time just spun out of control. this week is 3 months. 3 months since i have seen my brother. i can't wrap my mind around how the world keeps moving on like nothing happened. i don't even get a choice. it just doesn't seem fair. i am waiting for numbness to wear off...but i just don't know when it gets better.

believe me, i know all of the come backs to comments like mine. i know that God is good and will take care of us, i even know that kyle is in a much better place...but the thing is...he isn't here. there are probably worse things and people who have more reason to be emo. i realize that my life isn't bad compared to a lot of people, but i guess i just miss kyle and wish he were here. i miss hearing him laugh and seeing his goofy smile and bad teeth and smelly hair because he was gross and wasn't really into personal hygiene. i miss the fact that he thought that every time we stopped at a gas station he had to have a piece of candy or a snack. i miss being embarrassed because i never knew what was going to come out of his mouth. i miss him always beating me at chess. he only asked for guitar hero for christmas because he knew that morgan and i wanted it so badly. we only got to play it one time together. i miss my dad and i miss what my family used to be and life right now is just crazy unsatisfying. for the first time in my entire life i feel like i am just a spec among millions of people. i am just here...doing whatever till the next day when it starts all over again. i am just here!

a few of my favorite things

i miss seattle. i miss seattle a whole lot. i can only think of a few things that i didn't like about that place.

here is what i didn't like:
-the bus smelled like a combination of urine and alcohol after 9:00pm
-the bottom of my jeans were always wet from the puddles of water
-i couldn't wear cute shoes, i had to wear water proof shoes
-there wasn't a sonic

here is why i loved it:
-espresso vivace had lattes that were so smooth like velvet. it was heaven.
-tribant was within walking distance and live music on saturday nights, the friendliest baristas, and a fun atmostphere
-mongolian grill on the ave
-the ave in general. it is the street that never sleeps. great shopping, food, coffee, and pretty much anything else you need
-bus riding and the people that you only meet in seattle
-standing downtown and getting lost in the business and consumerism, but looking through buildings to see mountains in any direction you look
-used book stores on every corner
-suzzalo library
-the bluest skies
-gas works park
-buffalo exchange
-shopping on broadway (red light i miss you and i am sure you miss me spending my entire paycheck)
-thrift store browsing in capitol hill
-pike place fish market and all of it's tourists
-planes that land in the water
-people watching in fremont
-our crazy collection of people at the purple door
-family meals on thursday night
-lunch with natalia on wednesday
-pumpkin spice lattes made by steve
-sport's updates every monday by steve and michael
-me and ronnie's dates to urban outfitters
-living in the basement with lindsay (and the amazing food she cooked)
-the big purple chair in the living room

so much more but this list is already long enough. i am full of excitement that i get to return for a week over spring break!

i work for the man... but not the man i used to work for

i sold my soul to the corporate world. i don't even have time for facebook. my wardrobe is suffering greatly from a sudden increase of professionalism. what is this world coming to? for many years i have been oblivious to the inner workings of big businesses. i am becoming all too familiar. i have been spoiled. spoiled with jobs that have been, for the most part, great. i worked at the bsm and then i got to work in seattle for goodness sake. i mean i really had amazing jobs! i did have this awful little stint with "ross dress for less" one christmas break which taught me three valuable lessons. 1.) stay in school, 2.)don't do drugs, 3.) don't ever work at "ross dress for less". sadly i only worked there for like 9 days. in my defense...those 9 days were miserable.

my plug for new conspirators

Before I left Seattle I was so excited about the New Conspirators Conference. I guess I am still pretty excited about it, just tormented with jealousy because I can no longer go.

If you don't know about the conference you should check it out at thenewconspirators.wordpress.com

There have been some really amazing articles written about the conference and also about these "new conspirators" who are living this new monasticism. I am very intrigued by the way that these people live their lives, experience community, and live out their faith. There is something simple and authentic to the way that they love God and show love to others. Here is one of the articles that I found interesting www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2008/02/03/the_unexpected_monks.

if you want to read more about these crazy new monks or the new conspirators conference look right here thenewconspirators.wordpress.com, or you can look here www.msainfo.org, or even better you could look here www.newmonasticism.org.

You should know that I tried to link those little websites, but it didn't work out so well for me. So now if you really want to read about what was mentioned in the blog you are going to have to type it out. good luck.
Sorry I ramble.

the eve of super tuesday

Today is Monday which can only mean that tomorrow is Tuesday. Not just any Tuesday...it is super Tuesday. Watching candidates battle it out making promises they probably intend to keep. I get excited. What if these presidential candidates who are promising change really do bring about change? I guess I am still not completely jaded and hope for the best. It has been really interesting to see candidates, well certain candidates, address issues that haven't been addressed before. I have found this election process to be very interesting and full of several surprises. I am pumped for super Tuesday! and and and if you are a Texan and want to get in on the primary action, today is the last day to register to vote! DO IT. VOTE March 4th!!!

As much as I get into the whole political tracking craze, I have to stop and think about the stuff going on around the world that isn't getting as much attention. I have to wonder what, if any, difference it would make if the amount of coverage put into political campaigns was put on the tragedy in Kenya, Algeria, Chad, sex trafficking in the Sudan and Asia, the billions that go to bed hungry everynight, and the billions that are displaced from their homes and treated like animals. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference at all, but I just wonder sometimes what would happen.

my oh my

Monday marked the one month point. One whole month since my brother died. One whole month since that Friday night driving over the hill and at the very top looking down at the red and blue flashing lights ahead. All hope immediately drained from my body. Ever since that night everything has been a dream. I don't know where time went or why it flew right passed me so quickly. There is a hole. Life is quiet and painfully different. I am left to figure out how and even why I have to move on. I am taking part in this world, but am strangely unaware. I am not the same person. I try to be, for everyone else, but I am not doing a very good job at it. One day at a time, and then maybe things will get better?
Something very beautiful happened today. Even in the midst of this tragedy something beautiful happened. There is a girl who was friends with my brother, I don't even know her, but she became a believer today. When I heard this it brought tears to my eyes. Ever since my brother died her family had started going to our church. She was hurting and struggling to understand, and now she can have peace. I can't imagine how life changing that is for her. To have no hope and no understanding at all of how God can be there when something like this happens, to knowing that she has a Savior who loves her even when we don't understand. This doesn't at all take my pain away, but it gives me reason to rejoice. I have forgotten the beauty of salvation. Today is the start of her new life in Christ. How wonderfully complex it is that you can be so frustrated with God and so amazed by Him at the same time?

primary season

I love politics. I love it. I enjoy talking about issues, about our country, about democracy, about Hillary, Obama, McCain, Mit, Mike, and even Fred...yes Fred. For some reason I just eat it up. I understand that is becoming a pretty popular Christian stance to just say "NO" to voting. I respect that. I can respect that. Unfortunately, if that is the Godly thing to do, I am failing miserably. I spend hours and hours studying candidates and where they stand on issues, their voting history, their activity in previous offices. It is exhilarating for me. I have this notebook with sections for each candidate. OK, well now that I have admitted that I am a politics groupie, I will get to the point of this blog. Someone told me recently that the presidential candidate that I was considering was the anti-Christ. What? How did you know? There have been so many false alarms all of these years. Well now we found him? Good to know. Up until this point I thought the popular opinion was that Oprah was going to fill that role. (this opinion supported by numerous conversations, mostly with my grandma.) As I was thinking about this I had this thought..."If ______ is the anti-Christ, whether I vote for him or not, won't he win regardless?" Maybe the argument to that thought would be that I would have to suffer with the guilt that I had put the anti-Christ into office? OH goodness I just don't know.

The point of me saying all of this is why do we call people anti-Christ? That is a pretty serious thing. Do we really know? Can you even really look at someone or hear someone and say, "yep! that's him?" I am not speaking out and saying that we shouldn't go around guessing the identity of the anti-Christ, I just find it hilarious that, for Christians, that is a huge insult. The biggest!!! We don't agree with someone or they challenge our world view and we equate them with being the dreaded anti-Christ. I don't know...I find it funny.

A Map or Something

I was thinking that it would be really nice if I had a preview of my life from here on out. I don't have to know everything just a little taste. Maybe even a map or something. It could be a really unclear map with just the major intersections. I read Proverbs 3:5 which tell me to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. Isaiah 58:11 says that the Lord will guide me. I am starting to think that is my map. I am supposed to be on a plane right now flying back to Seattle. I don't know when I will be back. There are so many things that are popping into my head that I shouldn't be worried about. The fact that I don't want to be stuck in Spring, Tx, for the rest of my life. I really love Seattle and will miss it sooo much. The bigger thing is that I trust that God is going to get my family through this. He will guide me and direct me in which way I should go. He will tell me when it is time to leave or if it is time to leave. Right now I can't imagine leaving my family and being away from them at this time. When is a good time though? I have so many regrets that for the last 4 and 1/2 months I have been so far away from my brother. I hadn't seen him in forever. Did I make the wrong decision going to Seattle? Was I supposed to be spending time with my family? In my heart I know that I did the right thing, and I am so thankful that I was able to come home for the holidays and spend a week with him before he died. Now that he is gone I just wish I had more time.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to think about the word trust. What does it mean to trust? To fully trust letting go of the control you have. How do you deal with the fact that we can't control the circumstances in our lives? How do you give up control? What is the relationship between our need to be in control and trust and can we ever fully allow ouselves to trust God? Just a little something to think about. God doesn't tell us to only trust when something goes wrong, but all the time. To me that is a little harder to do.

happy new year?

As you can tell by my blog, I am not a really intense blogger. I have had this blog for a while but it has become my ritual to write something and erase it shortly after. I am feeling that this will be a really good thing for me.

On Friday, the 28th, my baby brother died. He was 17 years old and it was a complete shock. I guess car accidents usually aren't planned. Life as I knew it completely vanished all in one night...within a couple of hours. It is the new year. Most people are busy breaking resolutions and yet the only thing that I can think about is the fact that I am going into 2008 without my brother...only memories. I do have this overwhelming peace that calms all of my fears, but at the same time I am empty. There is this feeling of dis-belief, my family already lost a dad and husband. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!! I almost had this thought that we were exempt from another death. The two most important men in my life are now gone and I am left to figure out how life goes on through that. I feel that my family just now, 5 1/2 years later, figured out what normal was and are now forced to adjust yet again. Friday, around 5:10pm, I saw my brother and at 5:30pm he was dead. What does it mean to praise through a storm? Momentary affliction? God working all things for good? I will be honest and tell you I don't have any idea, but this thing I know with all my heart is that God is faithful. I know that for the first time my brother knows exactly how much God loves him. I am hurting and question God, but He can handle it.

(please be advised that this next section is completely cheesy and cliche...but true)
My New Year's resolution is to live and love as if our days are numbered.